this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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