Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
