i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
