Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
