she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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