Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
