when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
