there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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