dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I could fuck to npr.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
