Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
