you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
