I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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