I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
