I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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