Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
