hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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