my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
