Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
