I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
