turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think my moral compass just broke
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
