he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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