A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
