onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
