No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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