God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
