The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The best revenge is premature balding
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
