You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
