I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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