With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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