Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
