Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
