I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
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just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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