he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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