I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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