I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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