I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
we're so committed to being not committed
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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