1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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