Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
