Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
