My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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