she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
