just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
