Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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