Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
