Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
