3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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