Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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