WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
