I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
