I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
