I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
