It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
