the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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