if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
