I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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