Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
