If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
