Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
